I am spinning off of Sallycat’s Adventures latest post entitled ‘The voice”.

I have not been writing on this blog as much for one reason and one reason alone….I am in disarray(my new word to describe my anguish).  To back track, I used to HATE, DESPISE, New years when it came around.  Because in my mind, I think of all the things, I did, didn’t do, could’ve done, would’ve done, wish I’d done….blah blah…and then all of the sudden it is a NEW YEAR….WHAT?

I am still trying to take in this present year. 2007.  Why is time going so fast???  OK Katie what have you done wrong to make yourself be back to where you were 2 years ago…working as a temp, no direction, no money, no apartment…..Alright alright…sorry…that was Barry talking.

Like Sally, she has the “voice of doom” I have Barry.  One day about 2 mos ago, Barry decided that he wanted to be named Barry, in my head(Oh God Katie has lost her mind, I think she is schizo.)  I accepted the name Barry and moved on with my life.  Then I realized he wanted a bandstand to express all my deepest, darkest fears, doubts, worries.  I began to instruct him no, I am sorry Barry you cannot put me down, I am have accomplished way too much to NOW let you….the stupid voice in my head….dictate the way I feel about my life.

He went on and on.  Trying to make some point that I will fail, fall apart, cry uncontrollably with no end in stopping.  Then the most wonderful thing happened to me:

I became a freelance travel writer!!!

I received 2 jobs in one fun filled week, the same week my sister passed her Personal Training test, my Brother-in-law was offered a new job.  It was probably the best week since…well….in a long time.  And you know what happened to Barry…

I shoved him in a tiny box, ducktaped his mouth shut, ducktaped the box shut with a large wine bottle sitting on top of this tiny box.  He was silent.  He was flabbergasted.  WHAT, HOW CAN SHE BE SO HAPPY, SO CONTENT, SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE???I HAVE FAILED AS AN ANNOYING PAIN IN THE ASS.  HA HA HA!!  (evil connotation)

I didn’t hear from him until the New Year started to roll around.  I heard a whimper here, a mumble there..but I then SAT RIGHT ON TOP OF THAT BOX.  As I was listening  to Brooke Fraser’s Shadowfeet, I was hopeful, faithful, that this bastard will leave me the hell alone.  I am confident in my actions this time around that he would be gone….well…that is what I thought.

Little did I know, he had a plan to break out, when I was feeling the tiny bit of self-doubt.  Thus I bring you back to where I am right now.

I cried on my way home from work, listening to Shadowfeet.  It wasn’t the kind of cry, like ‘oh woe is me’ , but like ‘why are you feeling this way, you are doing just fine, listen to these lyrics…

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay
but I’ve heard rumuors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

That is key…whispers of a well-lit way….I am here these whispers….I will find where they are coming from.  I have no doubt in my mind.

At this moment in time, listening to Brooke, I feel much better.  I know this is a process, a hard one,  but I will for sure move forward with hope, faith, and strength to be the BEST Katie I can be.  Because there is only one of me, no one else can play ME.

Thanks for listening and not thinking I am a looney cakes.  :)

a presto amici :)